The Truth
11/23/2009
Butterflies in your stomach is a feeling that has always been common to me but I have learned to brush it off my shoulders. I am just afraid to set myself up for failure but every time I always do something stupid. I have some time now to actually write a blog that needs to be written and something that everyone needs to hear. Hopefully someone can find my experience helpful besides myself. You know you are out there spending all the money you make without care. I have tried everything from picking up more hours at work... to watching the money I spent. In fact since I have started college I have always watched how much I spent. So I wonder how I became to the situation I am in right now. I opened up a savings account that I am not breaking into and I hide my savings book, checkbook, and credit card from myself because the truth is... I spent all my money. Everything I owe back to my family- I spent everything. I still have money but it isn't enough to get by anymore- it is money put back to pay for the balance on my credit card bill that puts the ache deep into the pit of my stomach. It started way before I even got into the Tupperware business that I started spending my money. It was even just before my dad passed away. Things got out of hand when I had to do a little living by myself. I have had a job since I was 16 years old and at one time I had over 2000 dollars put away in savings. Little by little I spent it all. From college tuition, books, 2 iPods, movies, music, gas, pens, pencils, paper, and everything else to be honest because there too many to list. Here I realize that I spent everything and holding back all my frustration because I know I could have done it differently. I spent the money I didn't have and until now... I was in pretty good shape. Now I am struggling until my next billing cycle on my credit card starts- I am struggling until my next paychecks which seems to take longer and longer to get here. I could have saved better, spent less, used more coupons, not ate out as much, not spent money on things I didn't need. I have to be honest I am learning now how to save my money better and the few decisions I have made the past year or two... wouldn't have been bad decisions... if only I had a little more money in my pocket. If I wouldn't have called off work, if I wouldn't have spent the money that I had. I am glad to realize this now though where I can fix what I have done wrong and make things a little more right. With every "if only" I cringe because I realize how much I only hurt myself. I am telling you this now because I think I have been pulling a false show for everyone- whether you read my blog or not- I have not told you the truth. I'm broke and I don't know where to go to fix it. I keep telling myself that I am doing the right thing but I don't know how much I can tell myself that when I feel like I am just telling a lie. It felt really good when I opened my savings account- and only hid the book- to be able to find in ONLY to put in a deposit. I hid my credit card... only to dig it out today so I could get something to eat for lunch. Yes... Tupperware does save money, time, and energy, but only when you can afford the product and only when you can afford to go to the grocery store and spend more then 10 dollars. When you can stop counting pennies and clipping coupons. But I still feel in my gut that I am doing something wrong. That I really messed up this time. In my defense... first- I have attempted picking up more hours at work. Second- I did make that saving account that I refuse to get into. Lastly... I am getting Christmas money from my mom early (instead of getting me anything) to help. I think I might be able to make it. I have a few more things I am going to buy for Christmas but it is going to be some Walmart things so I don't spend a whole lot. I think I might be able to make it. Tomorrow... I am going to fill out a few applications for another part time job to help pay off and save more for my future. I'm still scared and I know the feeling won't go away but all I have left is hope.
